A Series of Pranks
by aunt-rhiannon
Summary: After Sirius distracts McGonagall so his friends can escape, the Marauders decide to repay him with pranks.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The world of Harry Potter and all its characters belong to J.K. Rowling

Snickering and whispering, pockets laden with stolen food, Sirius with the map and a lit wand, James with his cloak carelessly draped over one arm, the four Marauders headed back to Gryffindor Tower. The subterfuge and effort they put into their food runs was largely unnecessary. In their second year they'd learned that the house elves were always willing to feed anyone who showed up in the kitchen. The boys also had a stash of food squirreled away in their dormitory for late night cravings. But food tasted better when there was risk, danger, and rule breaking involved in obtaining it, so the boys waited until the house elves were asleep to sneak into the kitchen and pilfer whatever food was near to hand. By silent agreement, none of them ever mentioned that their favorite foods were always left on the table closest to the door. They never said anything about how sound the house elves slept either, not even waking up when Remus tripped over a chair and landed across two of the small beds scattered around the kitchen at night.

"McGonagall's coming," Sirius whispered, peering at the map. Frantically the boys looked around. There were no classrooms or secret passages to hide in here, and no time to reach one. Quickly they scurried over to the only shelter in the corridor, an imposing suit of armor on a short pedestal. Peter transformed and Remus scooped him up as they pressed close together in the shadows and James flung the cloak over them. They were too big to all hide beneath it, even with Peter in rat shape, but it covered their upper bodies and hopefully their dark shoes and black robes would blend in with the shadows.

They waited, barely breathing, Sirius still staring at the map.

"I can't hear her," James whispered.

"She's coming," Sirius insisted. "Just taking her time." He glanced up, cautiously poking his head around the armor. "Should see her soon."

Peter squeaked and squirmed in Remus's hand, seeming nervous, and scurried up his arm to perch on his shoulder. Remus was suddenly very worried. "What if she went patrolling as a cat?"

"We're dead," James moaned, and Sirius nodded. A human would most likely pass them by, but a cat could smell them, hear them, and between her night vision and eyes just the right level for seeing disembodied feet, they didn't have a chance. "We have to make a run for it," James said. "If she finds out about the cloak or the map..."

"We'll never make it," Remus whispered. "Hide them in the armor. We can come back later."

"No." Sirius' voice was a little too loud, and his friends shushed him. Ignoring them, Sirius handed the map and his wand to Remus, transformed, and stepped into the hallway.

"What is he doing?" James nearly wailed. A gray cat stepped into view.

Padfoot's ears turned forward, his tail wagging. Slowly, the cat came closer, ears pressed to her head and eyes narrowed. Padfoot barked once and bounded forward, stopping just in front of the cat, and growled. The cat hissed, fur standing up along her neck, and Padfoot lunged forward, barking. The cat swiped with one paw and Padfoot stopped, whimpering, three thin stripes of blood on his nose. The cat hissed again, and Padfoot growled, the playfulness gone. Another swipe of the cat's paw, and he backed up a few steps. The cat stepped forward, and Padfoot, belly pressed to the ground, inched backwards, whining. When the cat continued her approach, he turned tail and ran, the cat in pursuit. After they rounded the corner, they boys could hear a woman's voice echoing down the corridor.

"Sit! Stay! Heel, you mutt! Impedimenta!"

A sharp yelp was the only response. Watching the map, Remus saw Sirius go into a closet he knew was hidden behind a tapestry, and McGonagall run past. "He made it," Remus whispered. "He's safe."

He glanced over at James to see the other boy had his hands pressed over his mouth, his shoulders shaking, and his face turning red from the effort not to laugh. No longer worried that Padfoot was going to get caught, Remus snickered. "Did you see his face when she clawed him?"

James choked, and Wormtail made a series of high pitched squeaks that Remus knew were the rat's laugh. Realizing that he was the only one not completely overcome, Remus grabbed James' arm and dragged him to their room.

Once inside, the door closed behind them, James gave up and collapsed to the floor, laughing helplessly. Peter leapt from Remus's shoulder, landing on his bed as he transformed, laughing nearly as loud as James. Remus joined in, leaning against the wall.

"I never thought—I'd see the day—when Padfoot—lost—to a—cat!" James gasped out.

"I'm glad you think it's funny." Sirius stormed into the room, slamming the door behind him. His cheeks were flushed, his mouth a tight thin line, and he was breathing heavily. Normally the sight of an angry Sirius made his friends focus on cheering him up or distracting him before he found a target, but tonight seeing his face, specifically the scratches across his nose, just made his friends laugh harder. Remus gave up on standing and sank to his knees, Peter pressed a pillow to his mouth to muffle his laugh, and James clutched his sides, rolling on the floor.

"Stop laughing!" Sirius yelled. "That old witch hexed me! She singed my tail! Look!" He turned, displaying the charred spot on the seat of his robes. Instead of the expected sympathy, though, this only caused more laughter. "It's not funny!" Sirius' mouth twitched. "I'm bleeding. I sacrificed myself for you ungrateful louts!"

"The act of a true friend," Remus agreed. "Not many men would let themselves be chased away by an old tabby."

"Exactly," Sirius said, snickering now. "My nose and bum hurt."

"And your pride," Peter said. "If the squirrels in the forest hear about this, poor Padfoot's reputation will be ruined."

Sirius laughed now, moving across the room to flop on his bed, then winced and rolled over to lie on his stomach. "You owe me."

"Brave, noble Padfoot," James chortled. "How can we ever repay you?"

"You can start with some healing salves. Unless you want to explain to McGonagall how I got cat scratches on my nose the same night she attacked a poor defenseless puppy?"

Once the laughter had died down to quiet giggles and snickers, and everyone was breathing more or less normally again, Peter opened his trunk and pulled out some healing potions. Minor injuries in the course of their pranks, experiments, battles with Slytherin, and full moon nights were common, and the boys had learned how to heal themselves rather than go to the hospital wing and risk the attention and suspicion of a responsible adult. Peter slathered some salve on Sirius' nose, and the scratches faded into barely noticeable scars that would vanish completely in another few hours. Peter flat out refused to do anything for Sirius' burn though, pressing a jar into Sirius' hand and declaring the taller boy could very well take care of that injury himself.

"But I can't see it," Sirius wailed, after he'd taken off his robe and was twisting his head around, trying to see down his own back.

"You don't need to see it," James retorted. "You can reach it. Just rub the salve on the part that hurts."

Sirius whimpered and pouted, but James was proof against his puppy eyes. "You're such a baby," he told Sirius. "I'm going to bed. Try not to cry too loud."

James and Peter crawled into their beds, extinguishing their wands and pointedly pulling the curtains shut. Sirius turned to pout at Remus, who sighed and took the jar of salve from Sirius, indicating the other boy should lie down. Grinning, Sirius pulled off his underpants and sprawled face down across his bed. "Thanks Moony. You're a real friend."

"And don't you forget it," Remus warned. "Honestly, Sirius," he said, seeing the agonizing burn was only a couple inches of slightly red skin, "that's hardly worth bothering about. I thought you at least had blisters."

"It huuurts," Sirius whined. "I won't be able to sleep. Or sit at all tomorrow."

Remus rolled his eyes, but smeared the pale blue lotion over the reddened skin, then lightly smacked an uninjured spot. "You're done. Now go to sleep."

Sirius rolled over and waggled his eyebrows. "Want to keep me company?"

Remus ignored him, capping the lotion and returning it to Peter's trunk before crawling into his own bed. "Good night, Padfoot."

Sirius sighed. "Night, Moony."

* * *

The next morning during breakfast, McGonagall reminded the students that dogs were not on the list of pets and familiars allowed in Hogwarts, and that whoever owned the large black dog seen roaming the halls last night should come forward immediately to make arrangements to find the dog a new home.

"Oh, the poor thing," Lily said. "I think he's a stray. I've seen him by the lake a few times. I even fed him scraps. He was very friendly."

"Isn't that the one who got a little too friendly? Putting his nose where it doesn't belong?" Mariah Bones asked, giggling.

Lily giggled too. "Oh yes. He sniffed everybody. Kept trying to get under my robes too. Silly mutt."

James glared at Sirius, one hand reaching for his wand, but Remus stopped him.

"Perfectly natural canine behavior," Sirius justified himself. "No reason to get jealous. She smells nice, but not my type."

"I'm going to kill you, you mangy cur."

Peter cleared his throat. "James, be a deer and pass the rolls?"

The bad pun distracted James, and he tossed a roll at Peter's head. Peter just caught it and grinned. "Thanks."

They ate in silence for awhile before Sirius cleared his throat and leaned in, dropping his voice to a whisper. "I was thinking about what you said last night. About how you could repay me."

His friends leaned in, and the students around them scooted away, recognizing the signs of plotting and knowing that overhearing was a good way to get hexed by the Marauders or questioned by teachers and later hexed for tattling, or worse, getting dragged into the prank as co-conspirators. By now, the Marauders could shout their plans and everyone would deny hearing anything.

"Thought all you wanted was some healing," James said.

"No, I said that would do for starters. And you didn't help with that."

"What's the plan?" Peter asked. Remus fingered his prefect badge before sighing and nodding to show he was in too.

"It should be something risky. High danger of getting caught or hexed. And since it was James' idea to be out last night, James' cloak that needed protecting—the map can take care of itself—and since James was the one who laughed the most at my expense and made no effort to soothe my injuries..."

"It should be me risking life and limb and reputation. We get it. Get on with it already," James snapped.

Sirius grinned. "I think Prongs should run once around the Great Hall during dinner."

"Are you out of your mind?" Remus hissed.

"Done," James said.

"But what if you get caught?" Peter worried.

James shrugged. "They'll just release me into the forest and I'll sneak back later."

"Do we even know what happens when an Animagus is hit by a stunner?" Remus demanded. "What if you revert to human form?"

Sirius nodded. "We should put some protection spells on him. And we can hex anyone who tries to hex him."

Peter fidgeted. "I can't get another detention so soon. Mum'll kill me."

"You won't," James assured him. "Everyone will be throwing hexes around. Act like you're aiming for me and miss."

"It'll be chaos," Remus moaned. James and Sirius grinned.

* * *

During lunch the four boys snuck out of the castle to prepare. James transformed and Sirius hit him with a stunner, knocking the stag unconscious. He stayed a stag.

"Excellent. One less thing to worry about." Sirius studied Prongs' prone form. "Let's dye him pink."

"Enerverate," Remus said, waking up Prongs, who turned back into James and rubbed his head.

"You were a little too enthusiastic."

"Had to be sure," Sirius answered cheerfully.

James was all for putting a mirror hex on himself, so that any spell aimed at him would rebound to the caster, but Peter pointed out that James was well known for his mirror hex and they should try something less obvious. They settled on a basic shielding spell which would send the hexes around Prongs and a distortion charm that would make him appear slightly ahead of where he really was. After two people had bumped into James in the hall, they decided to remove the distortion charm and recast it closer to dinner.

* * *

The three boys hurried to their seats. The show would start soon. James had loudly announced that Slughorn wanted to see him and held back while the rest of the class went to dinner. The remaining Marauders sat down and served themselves, glancing at the doors every few seconds. Peter was the first to see, and quickly got his friends attention. The three turned in their seats to watch Prongs slowly enter the Great Hall, his antlered head held high. Other students noticed, and turned to stare. The Hall fell silent, every eye on the majestic beast that was now pacing along the back wall.

"This is boring," Sirius whispered. "If everyone's just going to stare, I'm going to hex him myself."

A Hufflepuff girl stood and walked over to Prongs, holding out a piece of bread and murmuring soothing nonsense. Prongs accepted the food and nuzzled the girl's cheek, making her giggle. Seeing this, other students got up, reaching out to touch the stag's brown fur. Of course, no wild animal would be comfortable suddenly surrounded by strange creatures trying to touch it, and Prongs wasn't about to act tame. He reared to his hind legs, then dropped, lowered his head, and charged at a group of boys. The students scattered, and Prongs galloped around two sides of the hall, hexes flying at him and people yelling. The teachers shouted for everyone to stay calm, but no one listened. Grinning, the Marauders rushed into the crowd, throwing hexes of their own. Since they were the only ones not aiming at the stag, theirs were the only ones finding their intended targets. Snape went down with a jelly-legs hex. Macnair scratched himself frantically, a red rash blossoming on his skin. Purple pustules covered Goyle's face, and Crabbe stumbled around blindly, his eyelids sealed shut. Other students were hit by stray hexes or knocked to the ground by the crowd.

Prongs reached the front of the Great Hall and leapt onto the teachers' table, kicking aside platters of food. He ran across the table quickly, stumbling at one point when Kettleburn's stunner glanced across his flank, but he recovered and jumped off the table, running back towards the door. A minute later he was out, students still shouting and giving chase.

Dumbledore called for order, and slowly students drifted back to their seats. James snuck in, limping and grinning, with the last of the students who had chased Prongs down the hallway. He winked at his friends and sat down, eagerly helping himself to the mashed potatoes.

The teachers were moving among the students, fixing the damage done by stray (and not so stray) spells, sending the more seriously injured students to the hospital wing, and trying to find out who had let the stag in. Once order had been mostly restored, Dumbledore called for everyone's attention.

"I do not believe that this was an accident," he announced. "It is obvious the animal had protections against magic. It is also clear that some of you," he looked at Gryffindor table, and the Marauders stared back, their innocent faces long since perfected, "took advantage of the confusion to hex your fellow students." There were angry murmurs at this. "I also suspect the deer's behavior was not entirely natural. I do not know what caused it to enter Hogwarts and run around the Great Hall, but there are a few obvious theories. I would like to remind you all that the Imperius Curse is illegal no matter who or what the target of the curse is. And that human to animal transfiguration is advanced magic and anyone caught practicing it without teacher supervision will be expelled." Dumbledore looked sternly around the hall before smiling. "Now, if there are no more interruptions, let us return to our dinner."

* * *

Remus was helping a fifth-year student with her Charms homework when Sirius stormed over and pulled him to his feet. "We have important business to discuss," he announced, glaring at Helen.

Remus shrugged free of Sirius' grip and smiled apologetically. "Don't mind him. He's a jerk. We've been trying to find a cure, but no luck yet."

"That's alright. Thanks for your help. Maybe we can do it again sometime?" Helen looked up at Remus hopefully. He nodded, but before he could say anything Sirius grabbed his arm again and pulled him across the room to where James and Peter were sitting.

"Do you mind? We were trying to do homework."

"No, you were doing homework. She was getting ready to impersonate a praying mantis."

"It's amazing how many man-eating witches there are in this school," James rolled his eyes as Sirius sat on the couch, tugging Remus down next to him.

"It is! Vile, disgusting creatures, the lot of them. You should be grateful I was there to rescue you, Moony."

"Indeed. If you hadn't shown up when you did I might have finished my homework."

"Her homework. She's just using you for your brain. You can't trust her, Remus. Her intentions are everything dishonorable."

"That's bad?" Peter asked, looking over at Helen, who was talking to some friends and stealing glances at the Marauders.

"Your mommy issues are showing, Padfoot," James said. "And we don't have time for them. We have things to discuss."

Sirius leaned back, spreading his arms along the back of the couch, one arm pressing lightly against Remus' shoulders, and stretching his legs out. "Say on, fearless leader."

"I was thinking about this evening's prank. It doesn't really seem fair," James said.

"How so?" Peter, who could always be relied on to give James the desired set-up, asked.

"Me risking life and limb and closely guarded secret for your amusement. Seems to me that rubbing some healing salves on Sirius' injuries--even injuries in a place no one should ever have to look at, much less touch--"

"Hey!" Sirius objected.

"Really isn't repayment enough for what Padfoot did for us."

Sirius looked thoughtful, resting his chin in his hand. "I believe you're right. I suppose you have something in mind?"

James grinned at Peter. "I do indeed."

* * *

The next day they had Herbology with the Hufflepuffs. Sirius and James entered the greenhouse grinning, Peter looking nervous and twitchy, and Remus expressionless and several feet away from his friends, trying to distance himself from the upcoming mischief.

"You know Marlene Rayne?" James had said last night. "She's absolutely terrified of rodents. She's Muggle-born, and lots of them are afraid of mice and things, especially the girls." James sounded puzzled by this.

The plan had been easy enough to guess once James had shared this information, but he and Sirius had worked out details anyway. Not from any need to worry about the details, Remus thought, but because they loved to hear themselves talk and congratulate themselves on their cleverness. Remus did not even make a token protest. He sometimes wondered why Dumbledore hadn't just named two female prefects and been done with it.

Once everyone was focused on the lecture on shrivelfigs, Peter, hiding behind James in the back of class, transformed. Marlene was standing under a tall tree, Sirius standing next to her. He'd taken her elbow at the start of class and flirted shamelessly while he steered her into position. Remus, determined not to be involved in this in any way, had not reminded them that Marlene was dating a very large, very jealous seventh-year, or pointed out that several of Marlene's friends had crushes on Sirius and were bound to remember and gossip about his behavior, no matter how exciting the rest of class was. He rather hoped that McKinnon would find out and come after Sirius. Remus felt that if he would not use his prefecture to stop his friends, it would be wrong to use it to protect them from the consequences of their pranks. It wasn't quite justice, but it was the best Remus could manage.

Wormtail scurried around the class and up the tree. He inched along a low branch that James magically nudged into position. Wormtail stayed there for a second, three pairs of eyes on him while the rest of the class was, for the moment, oblivious, then Wormtail dropped.

Marlene screamed as the rat landed on her shoulder, then screamed louder and started flailing as he wriggled down the front of her robes. "Get it out, get it out!" she screeched. Her yelling woke the Venomous Tentacula, which reached out thorny vines to wrap around nearby students, including Remus. Wormtail dropped to the ground (which did not lessen Marlene's screaming) and dashed over to another student, ducking under her robes.

"Yargh!" she yelled, shaking her leg. "It's climbing up my leg!" She hopped backwards and tripped over Sirius' outstretched foot, falling into a long planter of freshly fertilized fanged geraniums.

"Catch that rat!" Professor Thistlethwaite shouted. "It's probably been eating the gurdyroots; I noticed they were looking a little gnawed."

The Marauders couldn't have planned better chaos. Everyone was throwing hexes and lunging for Wormtail, getting in each other's way as Wormtail weaved between feet and bit any hands that got too close. Sirius bravely battled the Venomous Tentacula to free Remus and ended up captured himself. A stray hex hit the Crabby Apple Tree, which started flinging its fruit at the students. James knocked Lily to the ground to shield her from the apples, and ended up having to defend himself from an angry red-head protecting her virtue. Wormtail ducked behind a potted Screechsap, transformed into a boy, pushed the pot over, and returned to his rat shape before anyone could see. The plant lived up to its name, its high pitched screech forcing students to cover their ears before Thistlethwaite cast silencio.

It was almost forty-five minutes before Marlene was calmed down, the Venomous Tentacula could be coaxed into letting go of the students it had captured, the Screechsap repotted, the Crabby Apple soothed, the various injuries treated, and the more filthy students cleaned up. James, after finding his glasses and fixing the lens, declared it a success, and Peter beamed at the praise. Sirius, after fussing over Remus' injuries and bemoaning the state of his robes, agreed that it hadn't been all that bad.

After Transfiguration, as they were on their way to lunch, Gilbert McKinnon punched Sirius in the stomach and ordered him to stay away from his girl.

Over dinner, Remus finally had pity on his friend and explained what McKinnon had been talking about. Sirius seemed oddly offended that anyone could believe he had any real interest in Marlene.

* * *

"Remus' turn next," Sirius said from his bed.

Remus turned the page in his book. "I hope my prank will not continue the theme of animal transformation."

"Of course not!" Sirius exclaimed. Every since the Incident with Snape, they'd all been rather sensitive to suggestions, even teasing ones, of deliberately setting the wolf on someone.

"You remember what you told us beginning of the year? About Muggle sporting events?" James said, leaning forward.

Remus looked up. "No. And I suspect I'm about to wish you don't remember it either."

"About streaking?"

Remus' eyes widened and he shook his head. "No. Absolutely not."

"You can cover your face," James promised.

"I'm not doing it."

"James, drop it," Sirius said, scowling. "You are not making Moony parade around naked in front of the whole school."

Since public nudity was a favorite prank of his, and since he had no shame when it came to his own indecent exposure, the other boys were surprised by Sirius' vehemence.

"Alright, Padfoot," James said. "Wasn't much of a prank anyway."

"I have some ideas of my own," Remus said.

When he didn't continue, Peter huffed in annoyance. "Well?"

Remus shook his head. "It's a surprise. I have to do a bit of research first. But don't worry. It'll be brilliant. And the whole school will be victims."

Later, it would occur to his friends that they should have asked whether they were included in that statement.

To Be Continued


	2. Chapter 2

Many thanks to LoverFaery, Blairoutloud1428, remuslives23, dreamdustmama, BLAHBLOT, and creidne for their kind reviews!

Here's the second and final part.

* * *

That weekend was the Hufflepuff versus Ravenclaw match. The Marauders were rooting for Ravenclaw, mostly because McKinnon was one of Hufflepuff's Chasers and Sirius was still sore about being punched.

"Where's Sirius?" Peter asked as he, Remus, and James sat down.

James shrugged. "Said he had something to take care of, and he'd be along later."

They forgot about Sirius' strange absence as the game began; James critiquing and analyzing every move while Remus and Peter cheered without worrying about the finer strategy behind the game play.

The score was 50 to 80 in Hufflepuff's favor when sudden catcalls, outraged screams, and laughs drew their attention to the ground below the game. A blue and bronze figure ran across the pitch, and it soon became obvious that the bright colors were from full body paint, and the closest thing to clothing he (there was no question about gender) wore was an eagle mask.

"Go Ravenclaw!" he shouted, dodging hexes from scandalized teachers. He had a wand in his hand, which, in between blocking spells, emitted blue sparks. He made it across the pitch and ducked under the risers, several teachers and prefects following. Above the field, a bludger slammed into Ravenclaw's Seeker, recalling the players to the game. They resumed as those who had chased the nude figure returned to their seats, their quarry having escaped.

"Budge over," a voice hissed in Peter's ear, and the boys were jostled aside. An invisible weight settled in Remus' lap. "That was fun."

"Sirius," hissed James, "are you naked under my cloak?"

"I'm always naked under my clothes."

"I don't care what you are under your clothes, as long as your clothes are between your nakedness and my cloak."

"You're such a prude, Potter. Didn't you like the show?"

"I can't believe you did that," Peter breathed, staring in awe at the spot just in front of Remus where Sirius' voice was coming from. Remus sighed and squirmed a little in his seat, trying to distribute Sirius' weight comfortably.

"Someone had to. Think maybe it'll start a tradition? Quidditch could use more nudity."

"Because there aren't enough dirty jokes about broomsticks and balls as it is," Remus muttered.

"See? Moony understands me. Mwah." There was a wet smacking sound and Remus wrinkled his nose, wiping at his cheek.

Peter fumbled in his pocket and held out a handkerchief. "You've got blue paint on your face," he told Remus. "A professor might see and think that--well, none of them would ever think that was you, but they'll figure out it was James or Sirius. If they haven't already."

James was red-faced, his eyes bugging out. "The paint's still wet? You're wearing my cloak while naked and covered in wet paint?" His voice was a strange balance of whisper and shriek.

"Calm down before you burst a blood vessel," Sirius said. "It'll wash out."

"I want that cloak clean before you give it back to me. It had better be pristine, do you understand me, Black? The full moon's in eight days, and if there's even a speck of paint, I'll hex you blind."

"Alright already," Sirius muttered. "I was getting cold anyway." The weight left Remus' legs as Sirius stood and made his way back to the school, confusing several students as he pushed them aside.

* * *

Remus looked up from his book as James entered. He had retreated to their room a few minutes ago, after his quiet study group had been interrupted by Sirius challenging everyone to a duel with Remus as the prize. No one had accepted his challenge, but somehow they'd all ended up playing Exploding Snap. Remus got the impression that he was still the prize.

"He's serious, you know," James announced.

"Yes," he agreed. "And you are James, I am Remus, and Peter is Peter."

James threw a pillow at Remus. "That joke was old halfway through first year."

"The classics never die."

James sighed. "I meant, he's not kidding. He likes you."

"He likes you too. And Peter, motorbikes, and cherry pie."

"Are you being dim on purpose? He likes-likes you."

"When did you turn into a 13 year old girl?" Remus returned his attention to his book.

James walked over and pulled the book from his hands. "Listen. Sirius has a crush on you. He wants to kiss you and hold your hand and do things I don't want to think about to you."

Remus shook his head. "He's just joking around. Does it to everybody. Does it to you often enough."

James raised his eyebrows. "You really are that dim," he said, surprised. "Sirius doesn't sit on my lap. He's never had any objections to me being naked in public."

"Maybe he thinks you look nicer naked than I do," Remus interrupted, but James ignored him.

"He doesn't kiss me on the cheek or offer me his cloak if I'm cold, or sit with his arm around my shoulders, or care if a girl talks to me."

"You're reading too much into this." Remus summoned his book back. "Sirius flirts with everyone, that's all."

"Just think about it, okay?"

Sirius stomped into the room then, slamming the door behind him, and dramatically collapsed across Remus' bed. "Stupid, red-headed tart."

James perked up. "Evans beat you?"

"She cheated. We have any Polyjuice left?"

James nodded. "Enough for two, I think. Why?"

"Right. If Evans comes up here to claim her prize, we throw the cloak over Moony and you can take his place."

"Deal." James stood and walked to the door, messing up his hair. "I'll just go down and see how the game's going, see if Evans needs any help." He grinned at them. "And leave you two lovebirds alone."

Remus and Sirius stayed quiet a few minutes before Sirius sat up and peered at Remus' book. He frowned, recognizing the Transfiguration textbook. "You'd rather study than spend time with your friends?"

"We have a test tomorrow."

"We do? On what?"

"Chapters 14 through 19. I suppose you haven't studied at all?"

Sirius shook his head. "I'm not even sure where my textbook is."

"When's the last time you saw it?"

Sirius considered for a few seconds. "I think it was at Hogwarts' First Annual Amateur Wizarding Skeet Shooting Competition."

Remus bowed his head. "Many brave textbooks met their end that day. Their sacrifice will not be forgotten." He wiped his eyes, hiding a grin.

Sirius scooted up the bed to sit besides Remus, leaning against the headboard. "I'll just have to use yours then."

"I'm using mine."

"We can share." Sirius tugged the textbook until Remus was holding it open between them.

Remus sighed and nodded. "Alright. But only because yours went out in a blaze of glory."

Sitting on his bed, Sirius pressed close to his side, studying for a subject that Sirius often boasted he had down cold, Remus began to wonder if maybe James was right after all.

* * *

Over the next few days, Remus spent a lot of time in the library, reading books on magical theory. "I'm learning how to cast simple spells but with delays and password-triggers, and to link spells together for a chain reaction. It's fascinating," he told his friends, who all got the glazed look they had during History of Magic.

"Why?" Peter asked, after Remus had nearly sent them to sleep by explaining Withengort's theories on sympathetic magic and their possibilities when combined with Germalt's work with cascading charmwork.

"Think about the potential!" Remus gushed. "With the proper groundwork you could activate a spell on multiple similar objects without having to cast it a hundred times."

"Yeah?" James ruffled his hair. "What class is this for, again?"

"Independent research. I think it might be useful for the NEWTS."

James and Sirius rolled their eyes and went back to reading Quidditch Weekly. Peter, suddenly nervous, started flipping through the heavy books Remus had piled on his bed, and moaned in despair.

"I'll never understand this," he whimpered. "I'm going to fail everything."

James made sympathetic sounds and Remus took more notes.

* * *

For such intelligent, experienced pranksters, his friends were really dense, Remus thought as he dressed in his oldest and shabbiest robes, the ones that had been spared the rag bin only because six years of living with James and Sirius had taught him the importance of having clothes he was willing to completely ruin. He'd finished getting everything set up last night, claiming he was going on his rounds to avoid making his friends suspicious. He felt bad using his prefecture to get a prank ready, but thought that this once it would be worth it, even if he were caught.

Watching Sirius fuss with his hair and Peter scrounge for matching socks, he considered warning them that perhaps they shouldn't worry so much about their appearance this morning, but decided against it. He wanted everything to be a surprise.

The four friends trouped down to breakfast, James managing to snag a seat next to Lily, grinning at her friend Hannah, who he'd beaten to the bench. Hannah rolled her eyes and sat on Lily's other side while Peter sat next to James. Remus and Sirus settled across from them.

"I don't think you three really appreciate the potential of my research," Remus said after everyone had filled their plates, leaning in and lowering his voice. "You seem to think it's only useful in a purely academic sense. It does hold some possibilities for mischief-making as well."

The other three leaned in too. "You finally have that prank ready?" James whispered, stabbing at his bacon. "I was beginning to think you were going to back out."

"Never." Remus pulled out his wand. "Linked spells," he told them. "Trigger words." He tapped the bench. "Crazy glue."

"What's that?" Peter asked.

"Muggle glue. Very strong."

"Where can we get some?" Sirius liked Muggle glue. It confused the wizards trying to undo his latest prank.

"Later, Padfoot." Remus tapped his plate with his wand. "Room temperature."

"My oatmeal's gone cold," Hannah whined. Finally realizing what was going on, the Marauders prodded their own lukewarm food.

"Not much of a joke, Moony," James complained.

Remus smiled and tapped his plate again. "Food fight."

Around the hall, food and drink erupted upwards, splattering people. Pancakes flipped into the air to land syrup-side down on people's heads. Oatmeal coated faces, dripping onto robes in thick globs. Pumpkin juice and sausages rained down as people shrieked, covering their heads.

Remus calmly reached for a napkin and wiped the juice off his face. Around him, people were shouting, hurling accusations. Lily tried to rise to her feet, only to discover she was stuck to the bench. "I will kill you for this, Potter!" she yelled, struggling.

"It wasn't me!" James laughed. "Oh Merlin, but I wish it was. Brilliant!"

Sirius and Peter were laughing too. Sirius twisted around to see the rest of the students, resting his hands on the bench as he craned his neck. Realizing his range of movement was limited, he tried to raise his hands. "I'm stuck!" He laughed again. "There's sticking charms on the benches! Fantastic! Everyone will have to wiggle out of their robes to get free!"

"The charms aren't that strong," Remus muttered. "What is it with you and public nudity?"

"Look at the teachers!" Peter squealed, pointing. Everyone within hearing distance turned to see that the teachers' table had not been spared. Pumpkin juice dripped off Dumbledore's nose and stained his beard. There was a blob of jelly on McGonagall's cheek. Slughorn was turning red as he struggled to free himself from his chair, smears of grease on his robes and face showing where the bacon and sausages had hit him. Flitwick had a pancake on his head and was laughing as hard as the Marauders, gesturing excitedly. Flitwick was a favorite with the Marauders, as he was often more impressed by their innovative charm work than angry.

Dumbledore waved his wand and stood, and the rest of the teachers followed. "Aw," Peter pouted, "I wanted them to stay stuck."

"Never fear, Wormtail," James declared, "now that we know--yikes!" In their struggles to free themselves, the other students on that side of the table had managed to overbalance and take the entire bench with them. There were screams as the bench started to topple and vain attempts to save themselves before the bench tilted over all the way. Peter, James, Lily, Hannah, and a dozen other students disappeared from view and a split second later there was a loud thump, followed by groans and pained cries.

"As soon as we get free, I'm coming after you, Potter," one of the students threatened.

"It wasn't me!"

Sirius nudged Remus with his shoulder. "You got everyone," he whispered, his voice awed. "Even us."

"And because we're clearly the victims as well, we won't get blamed. Especially since most of Gryffindor saw you three in the common room and no one expects me to act alone."

"Brilliant," Sirius breathed. "If I weren't stuck to the bench, I would kiss you."

Remus considered him for a moment, looked around to make certain no one was paying attention to them, then leaned in, one hand on Sirius' chin, and kissed the other boy. It was a soft kiss, over quickly. Remus pulled back, blushing, and dropped his hand to his lap, staring at his empty plate. Sirius was silent for several long seconds before finally speaking.

"If I weren't stuck to the bench, I'd throw you on the table, rip off your clothes, cover you in syrup, and lick you all over."

Remus grinned. "Then it's a good thing you're stuck to the bench, isn't it?"

"Potter! Black!"

"It wasn't us!" James protested, still on the floor.

"I highly doubt that."

Remus and Sirius turned as much as they could to look up at Professor Slughorn.

"It really wasn't him. Or Sirius," Remus said, inwardly smirking at how misleadingly honest he was being. "They were in Gryffindor Tower all night."

"This has all the hallmarks of one of their stunts." Slughorn had held a grudge against the Marauders ever since James and Sirius refused his invitation to join the Slug Club, and their tendency to hex Slytherins and pull pranks during Potions only made it worse.

"I think you'll find it does not." Professor McGonagall strode over. "Indeed, it seems to me that this most certainly is not their doing."

"We could do this!" Sirius objected. Remus kicked him.

McGonagall frowned at him. "Do you want detention, Mr. Black?" Sirius mumbled no and looked down. "As I was saying, Mr. Black and Mr. Potter would not be considerate enough to cool the food before throwing it everywhere. Nor would they leave so much food untouched. Or didn't you notice?" She indicated the full patters in the center of the table. "Only the individual plates were charmed. There's still quite a lot of mess waiting to be made."

"Does this mean there's still breakfast?" Peter asked from the floor.

"Finally, the sticking charm was too easy to break. If it were Black's work, we'd still be glued to our seats." She waved her wand at the far side of the table, and a moment later students began to stand up, many still glaring suspiciously at James and Sirius.

"Clearly," James said as brushed off his robes, "some young student has decided to follow in our footsteps." He looked around the hall. "An excellent beginning too. I will be happy to take this newcomer on as my apprentice."

"You will do no such thing!" McGonagall snapped. "The last thing we need to do is encourage this behavior." She frowned at James. "I need to go free the other students. I trust, Mr. Potter, that you can behave yourself, and not make matters worse?"

"Of course, Professor."

"All evidence to the contrary," Lily muttered, dabbing at a wet spot on the front of her robes.

McGonagall smiled a little at that, and walked away, Slughorn following.

"Hey!" Sirius shouted. "I'm still stuck!"

"I am certain you can free yourself, Mr. Black. And if you cannot, then the rest of us can enjoy the reprieve from your usual exuberance."

Remus waved his wand over the bench. "Finite Incantatem."

Sighing in relief, Sirius pulled his hands free. "About time. So, is there any good food left?"

James nodded and grabbed his glass and a pitcher of pumpkin juice. "Yes. And I propose a toast. To one of the best pranks I've seen in a long time, and the mysterious pranker," he smiled at Remus, "who caught us all by surprise."

"That may not be a good idea," Remus warned, as James poured the juice. As soon as it hit the bottom of the glass, it surged upwards, splashing James in the face. With a startled oath, James dropped both glass and pitcher, the juice spilling over the table.

"You know," Peter said thoughtfully, placing a roll on his plate and catching it as it sprang up, "I think the dishes are still enchanted. Funny, huh?"

James mopped at his face with his mostly clean sleeve. "Hilarious." He glared at Remus, but his mouth twitched into a smile. "I guess the juice isn't an option then." He grabbed a slice of toast and saluted Remus with it. "A toast," he intoned solemnly.

Lily looked at him speculatively. "I believe you now. You really didn't do this."

"Course not," he answered, munching on his toast.

"But you're a good sport about it."

James shrugged. "It was a good joke. Gave me a few ideas, too."

"There's a Hogsmeade trip weekend after this one. If you can go that long without acting on any of those ideas, I'll go with you."

"Really?"

"Heavy price, Prongs," Sirius said. "Sure she's worth it?"

"No pranks from you either, Black. I can't be sure if you act alone or not."

"Please, Padfoot," James begged. Sirius hesitated.

"Perhaps," Remus said, resting a hand on Sirius' thigh beneath the table, "you should find someone to take to Hogsmeade too. As an incentive to be on your best behavior. There are plenty of girls who would love to go with you."

Sirius turned to gaze at Remus, sliding his hand over Remus'. "I'm not interested in any girls."

James winked and jerked his head slightly, trying to silently convey "See? He likes-likes you, Moony!"

"You okay?" Peter asked. "You've gone all twitchy."

"Fine," James muttered, glaring at Remus, who smiled back and squeezed Sirius' hand under the table.

It seemed unlikely that both James and Sirius would be able to restrain themselves from pranking. Perhaps if he and Sirius kept quiet, James would be too busy playing matchmaker to cause trouble. And it would give him something to worry about besides his upcoming date, as well as being mischievous enough to satisfy Sirius.

Yes, Remus decided as he ate a slice of ham, keeping it a secret for a week or two was an act of friendship. He was sure Sirius would agree. The chance to watch James try to push them together was merely a bonus.

He grinned at Sirius, who grinned back.

This was, Remus decided, the best prank he'd ever done.

The End


End file.
